I want to confess something. Shitty dating shows are a guilty pleasure of mine. I’ll admit that they’re a complete waste of time, but sometimes when the tank is empty, I’ll pop one on & watch an episode before I go to bed. It’s mostly just mindless entertainment, but sometimes a show comes by that’s a pure goldmine…
Last week Netflix came out with such a show. A new series called The Ultimatum. The premise of the show is that they have 6 couples. Each couple has one person who issued an ultimatum about wanting to get married & the other person isn’t quite there yet. On the show they all go on dates with other people to see if there are other matches out there for them. They then live with their new matches for a few weeks to see what a different relationship can look like.
To be honest, the show wasn’t very good, not even by my low standards. However, it was amazing for one reason. Seeing toxic behaviour happen in relationships in real time. Because let me tell you, none of these people were showing healthy dating behaviours. But what made the show truly great, is how they were all toxic in different ways. Showing different signs of toxicity.
Which made me realize just how many people out there are in unhealthy relationships without even realizing it because they don’t know what the signs are. Knowing how to spot toxic people can save you a world of hurt. Every year men & women even end up committing suicide due to having their lives destroyed by bad partners.
And I know your first instinct is to say “Well that would never happen to me”, but guess what, that’s what everybody thinks, including those who end up getting destroyed by abusive relationships. Simple fact is that we’re all vulnerable to abusive people if we don’t know how to spot them.
So, using this goldmine of a show plus some of my own experience, let’s go over some toxic behaviors. Things that you can spot so you know your partner is manipulative. We’re skipping some of the most well known ones today and will focus on lesser known but just as important signs of toxic behavior. Let’s start right away with the spiciest of all signs.
Weaponized Sex
Ladies, pay attention here because this one is especially dangerous for you.
Good sex is important for your relationship. Great sex is an addiction. Some guys know how to fuck. Often these guys know they know how to fuck. On top of that, they know it gives them power over the women they’re dating. These guys can be immature & selfish, but they will get away with it because the sex is so good, women let it all slide.
Now men, don’t think that you’re immune to this. There are definitely women out there that have learned how to reel in men using mind blowing sex. It’s just that these women tend to go for rich & successful men so they can have a comfortable lifestyle. Regular men won’t encounter many of these girls unless they’re girls with mental issues, in which case there will be many more signs of toxic behaviour.
On average the risk is bigger for women. Because men that know they can fuck tend to sleep around more (because they know they’ll get away with seeing multiple women at the same time).
So how can you defend yourself against this? Ask yourself: Do you actually like spending time with this person or are you just sticking around for the sex? Say this man had a dick injury that made it impossible for him to have sex, would you still look forward to going on a week long trip with him?
When dating this kind of man/woman, cut things off asap. Not only will the addiction just get worse over time, it will also ruin potential future relationships for you. How can you go back to regular wine and biscuits when you’ve gotten used to Champagne and caviar over the past 2 years?
The Ultimatum had a perfect example of this (spoilers ahead). One of the men, Zay, obviously knows how to fuck and he knows he can fuck. He’s 26 and still in college with no real ambition. He’s got a big Instagram account on which he acts like he’s single with tons of girls commenting on & liking him. Yet his girlfriend, Rae, accepts all of it because of their amazing sex life.
During the show, Rae actually has amazing chemistry with another man, Jake. It’s obvious that she would have a relationship that’s way better with Jake and they do end up choosing each other at the end of the show.
However, during the final reunion episode shot 8 months later, it becomes obvious that her and Jake never pressed things forward because she tried getting back with Zay instead. Jake simply didn’t have that “knows how to fuck” energy. So Rae spent another 6 months fucking Zay even though it was obvious things weren’t going anywhere & he was just taking advantage of the easy pussy.
During the reunion show, Jake just sheepishly sits next to Rae, knowing that he could never match up to Zay’s dick game.
To finish things off, Rae then reveals that she’s now dating a woman for the first time in her life. Zay alphasex widowed her so hard that now no other guy can match up so she had to turn lesbian to cope with it. I can guarantee you that she will keep coming back to Zay for as long as he allows it. She’ll never be able to form a meaningful relationship unless she can find a guy that’s even better at sex. All because she allowed herself to get that sex addiction with Zay. On the show it’s obvious that all he does is cause her drama and sadness, yet she just needs that D like it’s heroin.
Sex really can be that powerful. Be careful when you get into a relationship where the sex is much better than the rest of it, because you will get dragged into a very toxic relationship.
Me I Feel To Me
The way people speak reveals a lot about their own priorities & morals. Compare these two sentences for instance:
I love you because you make me feel special and support me in my dreams & goals. You make me a better person.
Vs
I love you because you’re such an amazing person that’s always there for others and you bring so much joy to the world.
The first one is very self-centred. The other person is just a prop to them. It’s someone that has to fit into their lives. The second one shows actual love & admiration for the other person.
In Ultimatum, most of the girls (and some of the guys) spoke almost exclusively in the first manner. They have a selfish agenda and they’re trying to fit the other person into that agenda. “I want to get married asap & if you don’t get with the schedule, you will be replaced”.
Avoid people who talk like that. Your partner doesn’t have to exclusively speak like in that second sentence, we’re all a bit selfish at times, but if they only talk like in the first sentence, they don’t really love you. They only love what you do for them. People like that don’t care about what you want, they just want you to fit into what they want. You’re not their partner, you’re an unpaid intern.
And make no mistake, people like this will dump you as soon as you’re no longer useful to them.
Reflect, Deflect, Perfect
The Ultimatum was a lot about reflection. Dating other people can show you flaws in your own behaviour. Some of the participants did none of that. Four weeks into the show some of the couples got into arguments. In those arguments you could see some of the people were trying to grow & own up to their faults.
Others were just doubling down and blaming everyone but themselves, showing zero reflection. All they did was deflect questions, give a bunch of whataboutisms and act like their shit don’t stink.
This is a key way to spot someone that’s toxic. Are they willing to own up to their mistakes and learn from them? Or do they twist and turn everything to always make it seem like it’s your fault? Huge red flag if they don’t ever own up to anything.
Bonus tell someone is being manipulative, is when they start saying things like “Don’t talk to me in that tone/don’t shout at me like that/Don’t get so mad when you’re speaking to me”. These things are huge red flags because it’s a tactic to derail you away from the topic. Suddenly it’s no longer about why she went through your phone, but about why you raised your voice against her when you’re (rightfully) angry. It’s a clear sign they know you have a good point and are about to corner them, so they attack you on how you present your case and try to make it about some fake anger issues you supposedly have.
Bad Times Create Honest Men
Here’s the biggest mistake people make when they think about abusive relationships. They think the abuse is constant.
In reality, many abusive relationships are normal most of the time. Very few abusive men beat up their wives every night. Usually they only do so during bad times. If they just got laid off from work or if they just blew 2 grand in a casino. They’ll get home (usually drunk) and use their wives as a lightning rod to get rid of their own frustrations. The same is true with female abusers.
There’s a reason why the number 1 thing you hear after someone gets abused is: “He/she normally isn’t like that, it just happened this one time.”
And they’re right because their partners aren’t abusive 24/7. They’re only abusive when they’re down and need a scapegoat they can bully or beat up.
Tough times bring out the real you. Either you become a better person because of it or it reveals the scumbag within you.
If your partner reverts to their worst selves when times get tough, then get out of there now. They are abusive by nature and this side will only come out more and more the further your relationship progresses. No abusive partner is abusive 100% of the time. It’s the 1% of the time when they are that matters.
Physical Distraction
Let’s go full circle here and get back to sex. If your partner ever uses sex as a way to distract you during an argument, that’s a clear sign of toxicity. Much like when they attack you for your tone after you find out they went through your phone, sex can also be a tactic of distraction. It shows they’re willing to use sex as a weapon to gain more power over you.
Just like emotional manipulation, physical manipulation is a clear sign they’re unwilling to reflect & just want to get away with their actions. These people will never grow & will drag you down instead.
Speaking about sex, if you’re not one of those guys that can fuck (and knows he can fuck) check out Deep Trancefiction, my erotic hypnosis course that will teach you how to give her up to 20 mind blowing orgasms in an hour. All with the power of your voice.
Imagine the change it could make for your dating life when women can smell the confidence in you. Just don’t become toxic just because you know you can fuck. Remember, with great sex comes great responsibility.
So there you have it. Like I said at the start of this article, this isn’t an all inclusive list of signs you’re in an abusive relationship. There are plenty of other signs like them trying to alienate you from your friends & family; them making you constantly doubt yourself; or making you very dependent on them. However, those signs are already discussed way more frequently so it’s better to give some other, lesser known signs some attention.
And if you are in an abusive relationship yourself, or you still have issues from having been in one in the past, know that I offer coaching and hypnotherapy for both these things at. Feel free to reach out to me if you need help with any of these things.
Till next time,
Niels