I had a conversation the other day with a friend that got me thinking. He had a girlfriend a couple of years back. They broke up over some silly reasons and lately he got to wondering about whether he had done the right thing by breaking up. Part of him wanted her back & he wanted what they had together back.
In the past I probably would have blasted him with the standard “Don’t get back with your ex, you guys broke up for a reason” schtick. But this time I didn’t. Because they were legitimately a great couple and it is a shame they broke up.
And then I got to thinking about my own past and the break ups & near relationships I’ve had. Whilst I can say I stand 100% behind all my break ups and would never want to get back with any of my exes, I can’t say the same about my near relationships…
There were three in particular. Three girls where the personal chemistry was great and things could have gone the distance. But with all three, the circumstances were just wrong. One lived too far away. One had a boyfriend and one I was in a relationship. Objectively I did the right thing with all three. Objectively I shouldn’t have tried to date them. But who knows? All three will remain loose threads in my life until the day I die.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with the path I chose, but if life was a videogame that you could replay, those three girls would have been alternative endings that I would have explored. Maybe all three would have been a disaster, but maybe they could have been great. Who knows? Life is messy.
There’s a big disconnect between online dating advice and the real world. You can always spot inexperienced larpers because they don’t understand this. In theory dating is clean and structured. You can follow patterns and get what you want. In real life things get messy. You fall in love with the wrong woman, or worse, with the right woman at the wrong time.
The Battle for Love
I’ve had a few conversations on this topic recently with Rivelino (@alpharivelino on twitter). He posted publicly about his “battle of Warsaw” so I feel like I can share a little about it here. For those of you who don’t know, Riv has a gf in Warsaw. They got into a huge fight and it seemed like the relationship wasn’t going to make it. In the end he managed to turn things around and they’re still together now.
His case is interesting because he did a lot of things that online alphas would frown upon. He didn’t stick to the online theory. Went soft on her a few times when every guru would have told him to go hard, etc. But he still managed to salvage the relationship and plant the seed for a stronger foundation.
Would I have done the same as him? Probably not. My approach to the situation would have been very different. Would the outcome have been the same? I don’t know. Maybe yes, maybe the outcome would have been better, maybe it would have blown up in my face. Who knows? Real life is messy.
I even told Rivelino what I would have done if I was in his shoes and he didn’t do any of it. Which I fully understand because we’re in such different shoes. He’s 47 with a girlfriend that’s 29. He understands righteously so that his window of opportunity is closing in on him. Online gurus will tell you a man peaks in his 40’s or even 50’s, but real life isn’t like that. Real life is messy. Rivelino is a 47 year old man with an attractive 29 year old girlfriend. He knows this situation is optimal for him and that breaking up would make it hard for him to ever get in the same situation again. Impossible? No, but you can only roll the dice so many times before you’re left empty handed.
I would have been harsher on her, I probably would have broken up with her, but I’m 32. I have more rolls left. Getting a new girlfriend in her 20’s isn’t as hard for me as it would be for Rivelino.
Life is unique for everyone. No two people are ever in the same situation. This is why you can read all the online information, listen to all the coaches and gurus and bros, and you’ll still fall flat on your face a few times.
Love and dating is like being in the trenches. There’s no way you can be in there for years and never get scratched, bruised or bite a bullet. Life is messy and unless you get comfortable rolling in the mud, you’ll never have a fulfilling love life. Don’t listen to the puritans or the know-it-alls. They either don’t know what they’re talking about or they got extremely lucky.
Real life is messy and if you don’t learn how to embrace that mess and get the best out of it, you’re going to end up with a lot of loose threads haunting you until the day you die. And those are worse than most battlescars.
So get out there. Get messy. Do foolish things and enjoy them. Stop being afraid of a little pain and scars. A pristine body in a coffin is a life not lived. Most importantly, stop caring what a bunch of online anons think of what you do. They’re not living your life, you are. Fuck being alpha, be you.