Hi there, got a spicy email for you today. A reader of mine sent me a DM about a girl he recently started seeing that then went and had sex with her ex. He asked me what I would do in his situation. You can read the DM for yourself below.
Let me start off by saying it’s a shitty situation to be in. You could be doing everything right on your dates only to find out she hopped back in bed with her ex a day later. Can happen to the best of us.
Simply because you’re up against an entire history together and a strong emotional bond. It’s almost impossible to top that within a few dates. Bonds that were forged over longer periods of time simply run very deep and take time to be unravelled.
But back to today’s case.
So what to do when her ex hits her up?
What I would do in this specific example is simple. Either cut her off or make sure it's just a short thing that's predominantly about sex.
All for 3 main reasons:
A) She's obviously not over her ex yet. She's still thinking about him a lot and trying to rationalize his behavior & her feelings towards him.
You don't ever want to date a girl that's not over her ex yet simply because he can just show up and swoop her right from under your nose + she'll never truly be yours unless she first takes the time to no longer be his.
B) By sleeping with her ex, she's shown you that she can never be trusted by you in a relationship.
It's one thing to still have feelings for your ex, it's an entirely different thing to actually meet up with him and have sex with him.
The fact that she did (and the fact that they had sex as soon as they met up) shows you that she wanted it and was willing to risk her relationship with you for it, even if she's honest about it afterwards (girls are often dealing with conflicted emotions for these kinds of things)
C) If she cheats on you (especially in the early stages of a relationship) and you forgive her for it, she'll know she can get away with pretty much anything.
If you ever pursue anything seriously with her, then you'll never have any frame with her
And all of that for a girl that he admitted himself he’s only feeling an 80% connection with. Absolutely not worth it in my opinion.
In fact, in this scenario I wouldn't even go for the loose sex, I would just tell her. “Thanks for being so honest with me. I can see that you aren't over your ex and I think it's better if you go figure that out before you start dating any other guy. It's best if we stop seeing each other. All the best.”
Sex with the ex
In my opinion this was a pretty clear cut scenario. She had only broken up with her ex recently after a long relationship and obviously still had strong feelings for him.
Now I don’t know who broke up with who here or why, but I can tell she definitely didn’t break up with him because she didn’t have any feelings for him anymore (and if she did then she has no spine whatsoever for sleeping with him as soon as he comes back to her).
But what if things aren’t so clear cut? How long should you wait after she breaks up with her ex boyfriend? What if he was the one that broke up with her?
Unfortunately, I can’t give you a clear cut answer to this. Simply because every woman is different. Some women get broken up with and get over it within weeks. Other women do the breaking up and then spend months or even years getting over their ex.
However, there are a few clear signs you can look out for to see if she’s still dealing with her previous break up:
1) How often does she talk to you about her ex?
We tend to talk about the things that are on our mind. If on every date you go on, her ex comes up as a conversation topic, then you can be sure she’s not over him.
In case you know some of her friends, you might also know how often she talks to them about her ex. If she talks about him unprompted or if she prefers to talk about him over talking about you, that’s a clear red flag.
2) Does she say things like “I don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship yet”?
There are only three reasons why anyone isn’t ready for a serious relationship yet. Either they’re very immature; They’re just not that into you; or it’s too soon for them to start dating again because they’re not over their ex yet. Whichever of the three it may be, it’s a clear red flag.
3) She tries to rush getting into a relationship
Sounds conflicting with the last point, but it actually isn’t. Normal relationships develop at a natural and healthy pace. Neither of you feels rushed into a relationship or strung along.
If it feels like she’s trying to rush getting into a relationship with you, chances are it’s because you’re her rebound. Some girls simply can’t be alone and need to have a boyfriend. As soon as they break up they grab onto any guy they can find to get into a relationship with.
Very unstable foundation of a relationship. She isn’t over her ex at all, but is just using you to distract her from him and from the fear of being alone.
There are no absolutes here, but if you get into a serious relationship with her within 2-3 months of her breaking up with her ex, then chances are you are the rebound.
4) She’s still in contact with her ex
This is the big one. If they broke up but kept in touch, it’s a clear sign that either they’re naive and immature, or that they aren’t truly ready to let each other go yet. Staying friends with your ex is impossible in pretty much all scenarios (except for the one where the sexual chemistry completely and utterly died out but you still like each other as friends).
More often than not, if she’s still keeping in touch with her ex, it’s because there are lingering feelings and sexual tension. Could easily flare up again if they meet up in real life.
Important caveat: I’m not talking about divorced women that are in touch with their ex husband because they have kids together here. This is a scenario where they’re forced to stay in touch even if they don’t want to.
Exual healing
When it comes to exes, there is no foolproof way to know if your girl is completely over him. However, if she never really talks about him or to him; and she doesn't seem to have any issue with getting into a relationship with you, then most likely she’s over her ex.
Don’t fuzz about him too much. You can have a conversation about him once if you like but if she leaves the topic alone, then you’re probably better off doing the same thing. You probably don’t want to keep talking about your ex either and such conversations tend to bring out the worst in people (jealousy & insecurities).
So watch out for the signs, but most of all, enjoy your dating and don’t worry too much about it.
Till next time,
Niels