Personal story time. A long time ago when my first serious relationship ended, we didn’t have the cleanest of break ups. It rattled me a bit and I had decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship for a while after that. During that year my ex & I tried to stay in contact (huge mistake which I learned the hard way) until eventually we realized that didn’t work and we cut contact off completely.
Fast forward to a couple months later and I got tagged on facebook in a photo with a cute girl on my arm. Two days later my ex contacted me out of the blue. We still had some mutual friends on facebook and one of them had passed her the photo asking if I had a new girlfriend.
To this day I remember my ex’s words to the letter: “I thought that now that you’re happy again, we can finally keep in touch without problems”
Needless to say I got angry with her and told her to fuck off. She made several more attempts to contact me after that until finally she got a new boyfriend and I never heard from her again (thank God).
But those words have always stuck with me. “Now that you’re happy again, we can finally keep in touch without problems”.
Because there is a lot to unpack in that one sentence that can teach you many things about how women (and men) work.
Let’s stay in touch
My ex picked the worst possible moment to try and get back in touch with me. Rationally you know that you shouldn’t contact your ex right at the moment they’re seeing someone new, yet she couldn’t help herself. Something had changed that made her want to be around me again.
Now the easy answer why would be “It’s preselection bro, she sees you with another woman so she wants you”. But that doesn’t hold up in this scenario. She already had me (for 3 years) and we broke up. After the break up she had plenty of time to try to get back with me but she never did. Not even when I told her I had been on dates again.
No, the real reason why she suddenly wanted me back is simple. In that photo with a cute girl affectionately hugging me, I looked happy. I looked like a winner. My ex saw that photo and instinctively wanted to get back with me because every woman wants a winner.
Alpha, Beta, who cares as long as you win?
Here’s what the manosphere gets wrong most of all: It really isn’t that important if you’re alpha or beta if you want to get women, as long as you’re not a loser. Women would rather be with a beta winner than an alpha loser.
Winning means everything to us. We want to win, we want to be seen as winners and we want the results & benefits winning gives us.
My ex wanted to get back with me because she saw I was winning. Her instincts told her to get back on my team because she was on a losing streak herself. I honestly can’t blame her for it either. I mean sure I was pissed at her at the time, but looking back it’s just human nature.
Being on the winning team is more important than anything else to us because historically it meant the difference between life and death. Being on the losing team was very dangerous and we still have those instincts deeply ingrained within us.
How to win her heart
Think of any guy you know that is successful with women. I’m not just talking drunk one night stands here, I mean popular with women and has successful relationships with them. I can guarantee you that you’ll be thinking of someone that’s also winning in other aspects of life. Either he’ll be good at sports, business, he could be popular or maybe it’s as simple as him having won the genetic lottery. One way or another, he is a winner and women want to be with him.
Relationships are built on many pillars and there is no one single pillar able to support the entire relationship, but being a winner is definitely right at the centre of any healthy relationship.
Women desire to be with winners. She wants the guy that is winning in life because that means she can hop on the train and win as well. Very few women really want to do the hard work and become a winner on their own. This isn’t a dig at women, most men don’t really want to do the work either. Which is why being a winner is so powerful. Every man will want to be your friend and every woman will want to be with you.
I understand that this is easier said than done. If being a winner was easy, everyone would do it. Unfortunately most people will never be the top dog in anything they do. But despair not because there are some very important things you can do that will make you more attractive to women. Things that will help you become a winner, or at least make you look like one
Winning
Everyone wants to be with a winner, but there are very few of those around. So most women will try to go for the second best thing. A potential winner. Certain characteristics in men show her that he has the potential to become a winner. Things like ambition and mindset are sought after by women because they show the potential a man has.
More importantly (especially during the initial interactions before she has had a chance to really get to know you) certain behaviors are very sought after. Things like confidence and humor. When women say they love humor, they don’t mean the class clown. They mean a confident man who is at ease enough in her presence to crack a joke. Because a man who is that confident around her on a first date, is a man who is displaying clear signs of being a (potential) winner.
Another easy example is tipping. A man who doesn’t tip is a man who is displaying a scarcity mindset. A man who tips well is a man who displays being confident and giving. This doesn’t mean you have to go overboard and tip $50 on a $20 bill, it just means you have to effortlessly throw in a buck or two to show her you don’t fuzz too much about money.
Basically anything that emulates winners is attractive to women.
And know that winning is relative. Not every woman is looking for the same kind of winner. Some women love athletic men. They swoon when they see Usain Bolt win the 100 meter dash. Other women love artistic winners. They go crazy when a rockstar points at them during a concert. Other women love successful business men. They fawn over guys getting chauffeured past in their Rolls Royce.
Winning is situational. You might not be a rockstar that can sell out 50.000 seater stadiums, but if you’re the front man of a popular local band, you can still be the absolute winner in front of a 200 man crowd. Nobody is an absolute winner. It’s simply impossible to be number 1 in all things. Mr Olympia is unlikely to also be a talented musician and a billionaire businessman.
Winning is about arbitrage. You can be the fastest runner in your small town, but you won’t even make it to the top 25 in the national league. But that doesn’t matter because the women at your local athletics club don’t have access to the national league athletes either.
Realize that being a winner is important for relationships, but don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s the be all and end all of relationships. She’s not going to leave you for the winner just because you finished second in your race. Hypergamy is a nonsense boogeyman. As long as you keep your mindset and you keep working on being the best you, she will respect you and love that about you.
Contrary to what some will have you believe, women are not complete mercenaries that will leave you first chance they get. When they know they have a winner, women often become ride or die.
Letting her win
Here’s something very important that most guys in the red pill/manosphere don’t get at all: It’s not about who you are, it’s about how you make her feel.
People love being with winners because it also makes them feel like a winner. You feel cool when you get to hang out with the coolest guys in the club. You feel like a boss when you get to sit at the billionaire table. We want to be associated with winners.
But what if the coolest guys in the club invite you to their table but then start publicly mocking you? Or what if you’re at the billionaires table but they’re just laughing at how poor you are? That feels way worse than if you never got to sit at the table in the first place right?
Being rejected by winners is a horrible feeling because it solidifies your status as a loser. Which is why when you are the winner, any woman that is with you will respond much more intense to any form of rejection you give to her. Every time you reject her, you make her feel like an absolute loser.
Let me put this another way:
Does she win when she is with you?
What does being with you make her? Sounds like an easy question but it isn’t. You’d think dating a winner automatically makes you a winner as well, but often the reverse happens.
Who you are in life and who you are in a relationship can be two very different things. You can be a high achieving millionaire playboy that’s almost never home & who doesn’t prioritize his relationships. To the world it will look like she’s a winner. She’s got the prize guy and she’s living the dream life.
In reality though, she feels completely unseen and undesired. This is the kind of woman that ends up living a vapid life of shopping and drinking. Eventually cheating behind your back with some guy who on paper is way more of a loser than you are, but in reality makes her feel seen and desired in a way you don’t.
The “women would rather share an alpha than be with a beta” thing is absolute nonsense. An alpha that repeatedly cheats on her will give her low self-esteem issues. She will feel like a loser because she keeps getting rejected by the winner. On the other hand, the less cool guy that makes her feel special will give her that feeling of being a winner.
“No way bro, she’s got the alpha and she would never leave him for some beta loser”. Yeah she would. History is filled with examples of this. Plenty of rich wives make a run for it with some poor artist or Joe Schmoe that makes her feel special. In fact many painters managed to survive by doing just this. They’d have bored rich wives commission paintings with them and would then have affairs with these women.
A famous example of this is Gustav Klimt who had affairs with many of the rich women posing for him, most noticeably Adele Bloch Bauer. She commissioned a portrait with him which took him 4 years to paint in over 120 sessions together with her. As an artist myself, I can guarantee you he absolutely did not need more than 10 sessions to actually do the painting.
Being with a winner is not enough for women if he cannot make her feel like a winner as well. Women feel like winners when they are getting attention from men. Preferably attention from winners, but if they can’t get that, they’ll go for the attention of losers over having no attention at all. They’ll even prefer negative attention over no attention at all. She would rather start drama than be ignored by you.
Men have evolutionarily adapted to being capable of being alone for longer periods of time. Women haven’t. They are social creatures for which status and attention are way more important survival mechanisms.
A very common dating advice you see online is “you have to get her into your frame” And whilst it is good to have her step into your world, it only works if you make her an active part of that world. Otherwise it’s like saying: “Hey you’re welcome to step into my house” after which you proceed to lock yourself up in your study to work whilst your guest just waits around the house bored.
Inviting her into your world isn’t enough, you have to make her an actual part of it. If you are going places, she should be along for the ride.
Many relationships break down over this. You get together, invite her into your world. Then you start getting more successful and she gets left behind (with the kids) waiting for you to come home.
Meanwhile you’re out making long hours/going on business trips/experiencing life to the fullest/chasing after other women. There are many different versions of this story but they all result in the same thing. Her feeling unseen and undesired. Often resentful and ready to hop onto the first guy that looks in her direction. There’s a reason personal trainers & pool boys seduce so many of their clients with ease.
Relationships are like plants
You can’t just get into a relationship and then start ignoring her. Just like you need to water your plants and pay attention to them, you have to do the same with your relationship. I know this sounds really basic, but guys can get so obsessed with their own self improvement/being alpha/business ventures that they completely ignore their women.
A good relationship should make both of you feel like a winner. The only way that’s possible is if you show each other regular desire and affection. Without those, it won’t matter how alpha or rich or successful you are, she will get self esteem issues and it will end with her either cheating on you or her leaving you.
It’s about direction not perfection
As a final note I just want to add that relationships are not about being perfect. Don’t fall into the hypergamy anxiety trap. You don’t have to be the perfect winner, you just have to show you are on an upward trajectory.
People can endure a lot as long as they believe things will get better eventually. Women can be loyal to you for a long time as long as she believes you will reach your potential and improve your circumstances. Even if things aren’t great right now.
It’s only when she catches you playing video games when you told her you were going to work on your business, or when she catches you eating a bag of chips when you told her you’re working hard on your weight loss, that she starts to question you. As long as you don’t give her reasons to doubt you as a man (bad luck can happen to anyone) and you make sure she feels seen and appreciated, the chances of her leaving you or cheating on you are slim.
As long as you can show her that the direction in your life is upward, she will be patient and sit the bad times out with you. And if the direction in your life isn’t upward right now, and you want to change that, consider getting coaching with me. Learn what you can do to make you more attractive to women.
Till next time,
Niels