The concept of dread game recently caught my eye again. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about dread (there’s even a chapter about it in my book) but I also still learn every day and I too get new insights regularly.
And when it comes to dread, the more I learn, the more I realize how it’s a shit concept that you want to use as little of as possible.
It’s funny because I’ve never really been on board with the whole “use dread to make her love you” concept, but 5 years ago I still believed in its usefulness. I believed that in moderation, it would benefit your relationship. Now I see it is a loser’s strategy that should be avoided as much as possible.
What changed in those 5 years? I became more confident in who I am and what I have to offer.
But this article isn’t about me, it’s about you. So let’s get right into why using dread game will hurt your relationship and how it will hurt you as a man.
Fear begets fear
The concept of dread was very popular around the “manosphere” 5-10 years ago. The idea of making her fear losing you to keep her in love and in line was taken for truth and rarely criticized. I remember back in 2015 or so you had guys promoting things like ghosting her for a full month and then coming back so that afterwards she would always feel the dread of losing you.
Back then guys were taking the advice seriously, but looking back, it reeked of insecurity because who the fuck in a healthy relationship would ever have to do something like that? Using dread to that degree is something done only by insecure men. You only use dread if you fear losing her. A confident, desired man, has no need for dread because she doesn't want to leave him anyhow. Anyone who ghosts his partner for a full month either has no faith in himself or he believes all women are unreliable sluts that need force to be kept in check.
So what happened in the past 5 years that caused dread to lose its popularity as a concept? The space matured. Many guys promoting dread 10 years ago have since realized how silly it is and many of the newer guys are more mature and more confident than many of the founders of online dating were. Remember that in the late 90’s when sharing dating advice online first became a thing, most of the guys going online were absolute nerds. It wasn’t until 10 years ago that the more popular & confident guys also started being online as much as those nerds.
Look at this tweet for an example (I cut out who tweeted it because I don’t want to promote this kind of trash):
Does this sound to you like something a healthy man would do? Imagine the outrage in the manosphere if a woman had tweeted something similar about how to manipulate him.
What’s next? “Punch her at half strength bro and then jokingly tell her you’ll beat her up full strength if she ever cheats on you or leaves you and then brush it off with an excuse for the win! Nuclear level dread: Pull a gun on her and stick it in her face.”
Who even thinks like that? It’s a very sick way of looking at relationships.
But morals aside, why is dread such a bad strategy? Even if you’re a total psychopath with no regards for others? Simple. It’s based on fear. Not just her fear, but yours as well. Dread is an attempt to transfer your insecurities unto her. You’re scared you might lose her or she might cheat on you, so you make her scared of losing you or you cheating on her.
But that doesn’t take away your initial fears. Deep down you still fear losing her, even if you know the chances are now smaller because of dread game. You never worked on the core issue, which is your own self-esteem and confidence. Guys that beat up their girlfriends don’t become better men because of it. They don’t magically lose their insecurities when she’s lying on the floor bleeding. Which is why domestic abuse rarely only happens once. It’s only a matter of time before his insecurity gets the best of him again and more punches fly.
And because you never worked on your own insecurities, they will find other ways to sneak into your relationship anyhow. Relationships based on dread don’t work for two reasons. First of all because they’re relationships based on negativity (can never grow into anything healthy) and secondly because your underlying issues will find a way to pop up and push her away.
You get a weird situation where on one hand she’s scared of losing you, but on the other hand she’s losing attraction to you because of your insecure behavior. At best she stays with you but no longer feels attracted to you. Mostly because her self-esteem has also gone down the toilet due to your relationship.
Presentation is Key
So then why did dread game ever become a popular idea in the first place? Who would ever want to use dread game if it just leads to unaddressed insecurities and her slowly losing her attraction to you?
Well it’s exactly because dread game allows you to not address your issues that it became popular. A lot of guys in this space have issues. Rather than face those issues and go through the emotional work (eww emotions, scary & beta!), they go for the route where they can dump their own insecurities on her and call it alpha to do so.
Because there have been plenty of gurus in the past promoting dread game as something cool and alpha. Something real men do that won’t let themselves be played by women. Dread game had good PR within the red pill community and has since stuck around (albeit less popular).
Plus it does work in the short run. Not promoting its use in any way, but you can win arguments or adjust her behavior by using dread, just like you can get her to fall in line by beating her up, but it’s not healthy or sustainable in any way.
The real dread
Using dread isn’t the solution, but what is? Dread is used because of underlying insecurities. Often these insecurities take time and effort to fix. This isn’t something you can do in a day. However this is the only real solution. You have to work on your insecurities and you have to build up the kind of life which every woman wants to be a part of.
Dread game is a mimickry of being a successful desirable man. A high value man doesn’t have to use dread because women want to keep him anyhow. A popular well dressed man doesn’t have to create fear in his woman because she already knows he is desired by other women.
Dread game mimics these things. It’s about convincing her other women want you or that losing you would be the worst thing ever for her. But it’s not real. You’re building a lie based on your own insecurities and it will tumble down eventually. In it’s most extreme form dread isn’t even about that, it’s a direct “If you don’t do what I want you will get hurt”. How can anyone ever aspire to add that to their relationship? If that doesn’t sound like pure abuse to you, then you really need to check yourself into a psych ward.
Also, some would make the distinction here between active and passive dread. Active dread being you actively telling/showing her you have other options and passive dread being you building up the lifestyle where she knows you have other options without you ever telling her, but I say this is wrong. Simply because this is looking at it through the lens of dread game.
Let me explain: If you have a girlfriend, you know she has other options (any woman that isn’t repugnant does). But does this automatically mean you feel dread over it?
You only feel dread if you are insecure about yourself and your relationship. Your girlfriend could be a supermodel, but if you are fully confident in yourself and your relationship together, you still won’t feel dread. Dread needs insecurity to take hold. She can know you have options and she can know her life would be worse off without you, but still feel no dread because she believes in herself and your relationship. Instead of dread, there is trust & love keeping you together.
And I know this might sound a bit soft & wishful thinking, but at the highest stage of relationships this is the driving force between keeping you together. Not fear but trust and love. And if you don’t believe this could ever happen to you, then ask yourself “why?”. Why is this belief inside you that no woman could ever genuinely fall deeply in love with you? Do you not believe you are good enough for that? Why do you think you’re unworthy of being loved?
Bottom line is dread is for losers. You use dread because you're in a losing situation. The more often you have to use it, the weaker your position really is. No man ever used dread because he was so confident in himself and his relationship. Dread is a tool used as a hail mary by men who know they are in a weak position. Avoid it whenever you can.
And if you don’t believe you deserve love, book a session with me and we’ll work through your issues together: Click Here
Till next time,
Niels